Sunday, July 26th

Well here I am again and I can not sleep. Going to bed is the hardest right now. I just cannot shut my brain off. I lay down and it starts racing. I have tried everything, shutting off the TV, turning on the fan, shutting off the fan, dimming the light, covering my head,nothing is working, nothing! So here I am blogging.

My eyes are a little swollen from crying some today. I see Rick grave everytime I leave the house, everytime I am in the front yard, it's so hard. I had some fake purple flowers on his grave site today. They are the flowers from the plant his Grandma Ballentine sent to me and Marty. Thank you Grandma. I will try to take a picture and post it on here for you.

I was am doing okay today until bedtime. I miss Rick so much. I know he is in a better place but I want him here with me so much. I think about all the stuff I want to still say to him, things I want to do with him, things I want him to do with Marty. Oh this sucks. This is just not fair. I never thought I would be raising our child alone or living alone at 37. I am too young to be a widow.

There is so much Marty needs to learn from his Father, how am I going to replace that. I just hope I can give Marty all the love he will need. I know I am strong but there is nothing that can replace the love of a father. I grew up not having the love from my biological father and there were always so many questions I had. I did grow up with a step father that did his best to raise me as his own but you know I always just wanted to be with "my dad". I will do everything in my power to remind Marty when he is down how much his Father loved him. I am glad I took lots of pictures. I keep thinking during the last 6 months I should have taken more pictures but I do have a lot to share with Marty.

The love Rick showed me was like no other love I had ever had. He was a good man. May he rest in peace now.