starting over............

So, it has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. But I feel this may be my only way of putting some words out there to keep myself sane. Get a tissue you will need it.

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. My husband Rick was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of this year. You can read about his treatments at www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickcarrjr . He had only been battling cancer since Jan. 6Th. The cancer spread fast and caused him to be in a lot of pain. He was taking pain medication, they keep him comfortable but never got him out of pain. His health went down real fast.

On July 4Th my husband lost his fight with cancer. I woke up to find him not breathing. That was the worse day of my life. I lost my best friend. I still play that day in my head over and over and over again. I have moments where I think oh I should have done this or oh I should have done that. I know I can not live like that but it is hard not to have those thoughts. My husband is in a better place now and is not in any pain. I just keep telling myself that everyday.

My husband and I just celebrated our 20Th anniversary. The hardest part of all of this right now is waking up alone. The feeling of being alone and sad is so hard to even imagine that it will get better. I have good hours and bad hours. When I feel sad all I want right now is to be alone. I sleep with Rick's jacket, it smells like him. I wear his shirts sometimes to bed.

I also have Marty who cries at bedtime. He sleeps with a picture of his dad. He has had a pretty good night the last two nights so lets hope that will get better soon. I have been trying to keep him busy. So far, it has worked. It is hardest for him when we get home and things are winding down.

I just know harder days are ahead, but I can not imagine it getting any worse than it is right now. Here it is again 12am and I can not sleep. Not sleeping is becoming an issue. It sucks. I cannot believe this all happened so fast. Unfortunetly it makes me think about all of the things we did not get to do with Rick. Please if you take anything away from reading this blog make it this: live one day at a time like it is your last, tell all your family you love them everyday, don't have any regrets, live life to the fullest the best way you know how.

Well, I am going to shut off the computer, maybe take the dog back outside and try to get some rest.