Sunday, July 26th

Well here I am again and I can not sleep. Going to bed is the hardest right now. I just cannot shut my brain off. I lay down and it starts racing. I have tried everything, shutting off the TV, turning on the fan, shutting off the fan, dimming the light, covering my head,nothing is working, nothing! So here I am blogging.

My eyes are a little swollen from crying some today. I see Rick grave everytime I leave the house, everytime I am in the front yard, it's so hard. I had some fake purple flowers on his grave site today. They are the flowers from the plant his Grandma Ballentine sent to me and Marty. Thank you Grandma. I will try to take a picture and post it on here for you.

I was am doing okay today until bedtime. I miss Rick so much. I know he is in a better place but I want him here with me so much. I think about all the stuff I want to still say to him, things I want to do with him, things I want him to do with Marty. Oh this sucks. This is just not fair. I never thought I would be raising our child alone or living alone at 37. I am too young to be a widow.

There is so much Marty needs to learn from his Father, how am I going to replace that. I just hope I can give Marty all the love he will need. I know I am strong but there is nothing that can replace the love of a father. I grew up not having the love from my biological father and there were always so many questions I had. I did grow up with a step father that did his best to raise me as his own but you know I always just wanted to be with "my dad". I will do everything in my power to remind Marty when he is down how much his Father loved him. I am glad I took lots of pictures. I keep thinking during the last 6 months I should have taken more pictures but I do have a lot to share with Marty.

The love Rick showed me was like no other love I had ever had. He was a good man. May he rest in peace now.

starting over............

So, it has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. But I feel this may be my only way of putting some words out there to keep myself sane. Get a tissue you will need it.

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. My husband Rick was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of this year. You can read about his treatments at www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickcarrjr . He had only been battling cancer since Jan. 6Th. The cancer spread fast and caused him to be in a lot of pain. He was taking pain medication, they keep him comfortable but never got him out of pain. His health went down real fast.

On July 4Th my husband lost his fight with cancer. I woke up to find him not breathing. That was the worse day of my life. I lost my best friend. I still play that day in my head over and over and over again. I have moments where I think oh I should have done this or oh I should have done that. I know I can not live like that but it is hard not to have those thoughts. My husband is in a better place now and is not in any pain. I just keep telling myself that everyday.

My husband and I just celebrated our 20Th anniversary. The hardest part of all of this right now is waking up alone. The feeling of being alone and sad is so hard to even imagine that it will get better. I have good hours and bad hours. When I feel sad all I want right now is to be alone. I sleep with Rick's jacket, it smells like him. I wear his shirts sometimes to bed.

I also have Marty who cries at bedtime. He sleeps with a picture of his dad. He has had a pretty good night the last two nights so lets hope that will get better soon. I have been trying to keep him busy. So far, it has worked. It is hardest for him when we get home and things are winding down.

I just know harder days are ahead, but I can not imagine it getting any worse than it is right now. Here it is again 12am and I can not sleep. Not sleeping is becoming an issue. It sucks. I cannot believe this all happened so fast. Unfortunetly it makes me think about all of the things we did not get to do with Rick. Please if you take anything away from reading this blog make it this: live one day at a time like it is your last, tell all your family you love them everyday, don't have any regrets, live life to the fullest the best way you know how.

Well, I am going to shut off the computer, maybe take the dog back outside and try to get some rest.