Pain Written By Julie Carr

Pain
The pain at times is too much to bare,
This is so unfair.
The pain takes over my heart,
I sometimes feel like I am falling apart.
At times I want to numb the pain,
Other times I want to feel the pain.
Nothing truly makes the pain go away,
All I can do is wait for another day.

Me? Written by Julie Carr

Being me without you
I am not sure I can be just me.
There has always been you and me.
The Man I choose to spend my lie with
The Man I just knew I would grow old with.
How do I be just me?
That's not the way it was suppose to be.
I don't want to be me without you
But I do know I have to be me.

The Burning Flame Written By Julie Carr

Why did God take you away from me today,
What is his plan anyway.
My life has always been about you and me,
I just keep wondering how can this be.
I never thought I would lose you at this age,
Why did our life story have to have this page.
I never imagined our life without each other,
I can not be the Dad and the Mother.
I know I should not want to point blame,
But my life will never be the same.
It's time for me to stand on my own,
Why do I have to do this alone.
This is the time I need to be brave,
And remember the life we had made.
You will always be alive in my heart,
No matter how far apart.
Know that the flame is burning bright,
Just for you every night.

Dealing with death

From all the websites I have read this is good information:
When you first lose someone, you may feel like your world has ended. You need to readjust to your life without this person in it. There is no time frame for this. It may only take you six months to look at this person's picture and not be upset. This is normal. Feelings of guilt, anger, shame, helplessness, regret, sleeplessness and anxiousness are all very normal reactions. You may have these feelings for a year. That is completely normal. Speaking of the deceased as though they are still a part of your life is normal. Once you have adjusted to the loss, these feelings will subside.


Information from websites about kids:
Several websites all say the same thing about preadolescence, 11 to 13, begin to view death as real, final, and universal and are fascinated by details of the illness and funeral.
(This makes since why Marty was not freaked out when he picked out the burial site for his father. I was amazed how calm and confident he was that day.)



This is a subject I wish nobody ever had to deal with but the reality of life is that death follows, sometimes much too early.

God Knows......

When you're tired and discouraged from fruitless efforts ...
God knows how hard you tried.

When you've cried so long and your heart is in anguish ...
God has counted your tears.

If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by ...
God is waiting with you.

When you're lonely and your friends are too busy even for a phone call ...
God is by your side.

When you think you've tried everything and don't know where to turn ...
God is the solution.

When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated ...
God has the answer.

If suddenly your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope ...
God has whispered to you.

When something joyful happens and you are filled with awe ...
God has smiled on you.

When you have a purpose to fulfill and a dream to follow ...
God has opened your eyes and called you by name.

Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing ...
GOD KNOWS.

Sunday, July 26th

Well here I am again and I can not sleep. Going to bed is the hardest right now. I just cannot shut my brain off. I lay down and it starts racing. I have tried everything, shutting off the TV, turning on the fan, shutting off the fan, dimming the light, covering my head,nothing is working, nothing! So here I am blogging.

My eyes are a little swollen from crying some today. I see Rick grave everytime I leave the house, everytime I am in the front yard, it's so hard. I had some fake purple flowers on his grave site today. They are the flowers from the plant his Grandma Ballentine sent to me and Marty. Thank you Grandma. I will try to take a picture and post it on here for you.

I was am doing okay today until bedtime. I miss Rick so much. I know he is in a better place but I want him here with me so much. I think about all the stuff I want to still say to him, things I want to do with him, things I want him to do with Marty. Oh this sucks. This is just not fair. I never thought I would be raising our child alone or living alone at 37. I am too young to be a widow.

There is so much Marty needs to learn from his Father, how am I going to replace that. I just hope I can give Marty all the love he will need. I know I am strong but there is nothing that can replace the love of a father. I grew up not having the love from my biological father and there were always so many questions I had. I did grow up with a step father that did his best to raise me as his own but you know I always just wanted to be with "my dad". I will do everything in my power to remind Marty when he is down how much his Father loved him. I am glad I took lots of pictures. I keep thinking during the last 6 months I should have taken more pictures but I do have a lot to share with Marty.

The love Rick showed me was like no other love I had ever had. He was a good man. May he rest in peace now.

starting over............

So, it has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. But I feel this may be my only way of putting some words out there to keep myself sane. Get a tissue you will need it.

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. My husband Rick was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of this year. You can read about his treatments at www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickcarrjr . He had only been battling cancer since Jan. 6Th. The cancer spread fast and caused him to be in a lot of pain. He was taking pain medication, they keep him comfortable but never got him out of pain. His health went down real fast.

On July 4Th my husband lost his fight with cancer. I woke up to find him not breathing. That was the worse day of my life. I lost my best friend. I still play that day in my head over and over and over again. I have moments where I think oh I should have done this or oh I should have done that. I know I can not live like that but it is hard not to have those thoughts. My husband is in a better place now and is not in any pain. I just keep telling myself that everyday.

My husband and I just celebrated our 20Th anniversary. The hardest part of all of this right now is waking up alone. The feeling of being alone and sad is so hard to even imagine that it will get better. I have good hours and bad hours. When I feel sad all I want right now is to be alone. I sleep with Rick's jacket, it smells like him. I wear his shirts sometimes to bed.

I also have Marty who cries at bedtime. He sleeps with a picture of his dad. He has had a pretty good night the last two nights so lets hope that will get better soon. I have been trying to keep him busy. So far, it has worked. It is hardest for him when we get home and things are winding down.

I just know harder days are ahead, but I can not imagine it getting any worse than it is right now. Here it is again 12am and I can not sleep. Not sleeping is becoming an issue. It sucks. I cannot believe this all happened so fast. Unfortunetly it makes me think about all of the things we did not get to do with Rick. Please if you take anything away from reading this blog make it this: live one day at a time like it is your last, tell all your family you love them everyday, don't have any regrets, live life to the fullest the best way you know how.

Well, I am going to shut off the computer, maybe take the dog back outside and try to get some rest.

Report Card 2nd trimester

Marty imporved all of his grades!

Reading - B

Writing - B

Math - B

Science - B

Social Studies - B

Art - S

PE - E

Music - E

WAY TO GO MARTY!!

Changes.......in 2009

We have been so busy lately. There is a lot going on with the family right now. I will post about it later.

Marty is getting along fine with everything going on. He is such a brave young man. It's amazing how fast kids grow up. Watching Marty become a young man is priceless. He is so thoughtful most of the time.

Sorry for bragging but he's a great kid. Being a parent is the most rewarding experience.

Spelling Bee Update

The spelling bee was Wednesday, January 14th. Marty will tell you he was not the first one out, he was the second one. He was nervous, he said he miss spelled the word "answer" he got the s and w backwards. He will also tell you the first kid out was a sixth grader. I told him I was proud of him for doing his best. This will give him something to improve on for next time! I am so proud of him for being one of two from his class that was able to participate. I told him all he can do is his best!

Spelling Bee

Marty is in the school spelling bee for the first time!! There are two students from each class participating in the contest. The spelling bee is Wednesday Jan 14th, wish him luck!!

Nature 2008

I love taking pics of nature and the sky.

Here are a few photos I wanted to share with you all. Enjoy

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2008 was different this year. Rick stayed home due to back probelms so Marty and I headed to Iowa without him. This is the first year in 19 years that I did not spend it with my husband. It was not the same at all. The weather was okay we did run into some bad roads near Cameron. We did get to see Grandma Ballentine ( Marty's great grandma). Thank you to Grandma Ballentine and Terry they helped buy Marty a wii for Christmas. Thank you guys so much we had so much fun with the wii. I love the bowling game!! We also got to spend time with Rick's best friend Dave. We go to Dave's mom's house every Christmas Eve. It was nice seeing everyone but not the same without my husband. While we were in Iowa they had freezing rain. They had probably a foot of snow already on the ground. Marty and I were so happy to finally head home the day after Christmas. As we got closer to Kansas City the temp went up 30 degrees!! I love warm weather!! It was so nice to get home and spend time with Rick. We did "our " christmas on the 26th it was so nice!





A friend of mine "Kelly" took Rick a plate of food on Christmas Day. Thank you so much Kelly he was pretty bad off, home alone and it pain. Your the best Kelly!





We also had Christmas with Terry and Nadene . They had a beautiful tree, here is a pic of our favorite ornament! Go Jayhawks!










Love the Tree!













We hope the year 2008 was great for all. We had a wonderful year. We are looking forward to 2009! We wish you all a Happy New Year.