Sunday, July 26th

Well here I am again and I can not sleep. Going to bed is the hardest right now. I just cannot shut my brain off. I lay down and it starts racing. I have tried everything, shutting off the TV, turning on the fan, shutting off the fan, dimming the light, covering my head,nothing is working, nothing! So here I am blogging.

My eyes are a little swollen from crying some today. I see Rick grave everytime I leave the house, everytime I am in the front yard, it's so hard. I had some fake purple flowers on his grave site today. They are the flowers from the plant his Grandma Ballentine sent to me and Marty. Thank you Grandma. I will try to take a picture and post it on here for you.

I was am doing okay today until bedtime. I miss Rick so much. I know he is in a better place but I want him here with me so much. I think about all the stuff I want to still say to him, things I want to do with him, things I want him to do with Marty. Oh this sucks. This is just not fair. I never thought I would be raising our child alone or living alone at 37. I am too young to be a widow.

There is so much Marty needs to learn from his Father, how am I going to replace that. I just hope I can give Marty all the love he will need. I know I am strong but there is nothing that can replace the love of a father. I grew up not having the love from my biological father and there were always so many questions I had. I did grow up with a step father that did his best to raise me as his own but you know I always just wanted to be with "my dad". I will do everything in my power to remind Marty when he is down how much his Father loved him. I am glad I took lots of pictures. I keep thinking during the last 6 months I should have taken more pictures but I do have a lot to share with Marty.

The love Rick showed me was like no other love I had ever had. He was a good man. May he rest in peace now.

starting over............

So, it has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. But I feel this may be my only way of putting some words out there to keep myself sane. Get a tissue you will need it.

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. My husband Rick was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of this year. You can read about his treatments at www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickcarrjr . He had only been battling cancer since Jan. 6Th. The cancer spread fast and caused him to be in a lot of pain. He was taking pain medication, they keep him comfortable but never got him out of pain. His health went down real fast.

On July 4Th my husband lost his fight with cancer. I woke up to find him not breathing. That was the worse day of my life. I lost my best friend. I still play that day in my head over and over and over again. I have moments where I think oh I should have done this or oh I should have done that. I know I can not live like that but it is hard not to have those thoughts. My husband is in a better place now and is not in any pain. I just keep telling myself that everyday.

My husband and I just celebrated our 20Th anniversary. The hardest part of all of this right now is waking up alone. The feeling of being alone and sad is so hard to even imagine that it will get better. I have good hours and bad hours. When I feel sad all I want right now is to be alone. I sleep with Rick's jacket, it smells like him. I wear his shirts sometimes to bed.

I also have Marty who cries at bedtime. He sleeps with a picture of his dad. He has had a pretty good night the last two nights so lets hope that will get better soon. I have been trying to keep him busy. So far, it has worked. It is hardest for him when we get home and things are winding down.

I just know harder days are ahead, but I can not imagine it getting any worse than it is right now. Here it is again 12am and I can not sleep. Not sleeping is becoming an issue. It sucks. I cannot believe this all happened so fast. Unfortunetly it makes me think about all of the things we did not get to do with Rick. Please if you take anything away from reading this blog make it this: live one day at a time like it is your last, tell all your family you love them everyday, don't have any regrets, live life to the fullest the best way you know how.

Well, I am going to shut off the computer, maybe take the dog back outside and try to get some rest.

Report Card 2nd trimester

Marty imporved all of his grades!

Reading - B

Writing - B

Math - B

Science - B

Social Studies - B

Art - S

PE - E

Music - E

WAY TO GO MARTY!!

Changes.......in 2009

We have been so busy lately. There is a lot going on with the family right now. I will post about it later.

Marty is getting along fine with everything going on. He is such a brave young man. It's amazing how fast kids grow up. Watching Marty become a young man is priceless. He is so thoughtful most of the time.

Sorry for bragging but he's a great kid. Being a parent is the most rewarding experience.

Spelling Bee Update

The spelling bee was Wednesday, January 14th. Marty will tell you he was not the first one out, he was the second one. He was nervous, he said he miss spelled the word "answer" he got the s and w backwards. He will also tell you the first kid out was a sixth grader. I told him I was proud of him for doing his best. This will give him something to improve on for next time! I am so proud of him for being one of two from his class that was able to participate. I told him all he can do is his best!

Spelling Bee

Marty is in the school spelling bee for the first time!! There are two students from each class participating in the contest. The spelling bee is Wednesday Jan 14th, wish him luck!!

Nature 2008

I love taking pics of nature and the sky.

Here are a few photos I wanted to share with you all. Enjoy

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2008 was different this year. Rick stayed home due to back probelms so Marty and I headed to Iowa without him. This is the first year in 19 years that I did not spend it with my husband. It was not the same at all. The weather was okay we did run into some bad roads near Cameron. We did get to see Grandma Ballentine ( Marty's great grandma). Thank you to Grandma Ballentine and Terry they helped buy Marty a wii for Christmas. Thank you guys so much we had so much fun with the wii. I love the bowling game!! We also got to spend time with Rick's best friend Dave. We go to Dave's mom's house every Christmas Eve. It was nice seeing everyone but not the same without my husband. While we were in Iowa they had freezing rain. They had probably a foot of snow already on the ground. Marty and I were so happy to finally head home the day after Christmas. As we got closer to Kansas City the temp went up 30 degrees!! I love warm weather!! It was so nice to get home and spend time with Rick. We did "our " christmas on the 26th it was so nice!





A friend of mine "Kelly" took Rick a plate of food on Christmas Day. Thank you so much Kelly he was pretty bad off, home alone and it pain. Your the best Kelly!





We also had Christmas with Terry and Nadene . They had a beautiful tree, here is a pic of our favorite ornament! Go Jayhawks!










Love the Tree!













We hope the year 2008 was great for all. We had a wonderful year. We are looking forward to 2009! We wish you all a Happy New Year.

School Play 12-11-2008

Marty sang a solo in the school christmas play. He did so good. Sorry I cannot figure out how to get the video on the blog! He looked so grown up on that stage. After the play we ate cookies an drank some juice. It was a good time! I will try to post pics later.

Up On the Roof

So as you can see Marty went up on the roof of the house with his dad to clean out the gutters. He has no fear, that scares the hell out of me sometimes. I have never been on the roof of the house and do not plan on going up there any time soon. He was so happy to go up there, boys!

Enjoy!

Fall leaves around town

I love the fall season

Hope you enjoy the photos.

Halloween 2008

This Halloween was a blast. Marty had Randy "Macho Man" Savage and Hulk Hogan (impersonator's) come by the house and surprise him. He could not believe it. One of these guys work for me and the other is a member of the gym where I work. Thank you to them for making Marty's Halloween a remember able one. As you can see Marty's costume was gross. He had a bleeding chest! Yuck! When we were shopping for a costume I was trying to get Marty to pick a pirate outfit or something along those lines and he looked over at me and said "Mom I am not a baby anymore, I want my costume to be gory." I was sad. So as you can see I let him get what he wanted. I as you can see was a Green M&M! We had a lot of fun. We went trick or treating at Nadene's job, Marty go so much candy. Then we went downtown for the "safe" trick or treating the city of Lawrence puts on for the kids. The weather was so nice this year it made downtown so busy. After that we went to the Lawrence parks and rec event at the East Lawrence center it was not fun at all. So we went to McDonalds and Long John Silvers!

Hope you all enjoy the pics.

KU Game 10-11-2008

We went to the KU Football game October 11, 2008 we had a blast. We all had our KU gear on!!

Rock Chalk Jay Hawk!

5th Grade!

Marty started 5th grade this year. Can you believe it. He has grown up so fast. He is excited about this year. Just think he will be in junior high in two years! OMG! Time sure flys.

Rick on YouTube! 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ugDd1Or7v4
Click on this link above and it should take you to YouTube.
You will see Rick riding up the hill at Troy Kansas.

When we get other items dowloaded on youtube we will post the link.
Enjoy!

Summer fun photo's

Yes, that's mud on his face!

Here's Marty with his friends from his 10th Bday party.

Here he is with his friend Sebrena.


Here are shots from when we went to worlds of fun.

At a fireworks stand he got to ride a camel.

Marty and Chandler love to swim!!!

Here he is goofing off with his dad.

Gotta love the helmet. Safety first!

Here is Marty mowing his grandpa Rick's lawn. He thinks he can drive now!

Hope you all enjoy the photos!! We have had a great summer. School starts August 13th! Marty will be in the 5th grade can you believe it.

Summer fun

This summer Marty has been busy with boys /girls club and swimming with mom and friends. He loves going to the pool. He 's a great swimmer. Here he is with his friends at the gym pool. You should see him he is so tan! He tans well like his father.

Hill Climb July 2008

Another hill climb................Rick went up the hill in 7.749 seconds! Yeah! Congrats to my husband. To me that's fast! He was ranked 5th in his class!

Here's a photo of Marty with his dads shades on at the hill climb.

What a cool dude!

4th of July

We have a great 4th of July. We watched fireworks at Clinton lake on July 4th and at Perry Damn on July 5th! If was so much fun. Here are a few photos from the shows. We grilled out a lot that weekend.

Here are a few pictures of the fireworks show.

No training wheels

On June 14th the training wheels came of Marty's bike!! It only took him a few tries and he was off! Just like a pro. We are so proud of him!

Here are a few pics. Enjoy